Jay and I are pretty sure we are done having kids for a million reasons, the first being our family does really feel complete with our little boy and baby girl. These two kids fill me up with so much love and I really don't have that grand desire for another. I could probably be persuaded to have another one if Jay REALLY REALLY WANTS ONE, but he says he's 250% done so that solves that. We always had the idea that we would probably only have 2 kids and when we found out we were having a girl it was the nail in the coffin. A boy and a girl, two healthy babies, and 2 very terrible deliveries for this mama. With that being said.... I love that our family is complete and that Monroe is growing out of her baby stage but I'm also a little bit sad. Actually all the milestones with Monroe make me sad. With Leo I looked forward to every one, I looked forward to him gaining his independence and mastering new skills. But with Monroe I just want to freeze time.
This past couple of weeks we have battled back to back stomach bugs and colds and unfortuately I haven't kept up on my pumping and nursing and therefore my supply really tanked this last 2 weeks. Let me warn you this next part is all about breastfeeding. I am not one that is crazy about breastfeeding. My goal with both kids was to nurse for 6 months, with Leo it was a battle all 9/10 months but we got through it. He nursed so slowly and sitting down for 45 minutes was kind of terrible but I did it. I was happy we made it past my goal and I never felt the need to justify why I stopped and it just felt natural to stop around 9/10 months.
With Monroe nursing came very easy for her, she nursed fast and it was simple like I think it is supposed to be. Within the first few days I totally was thinking I can do this for an entire year no problem. Flash forward to my postpartum hemmorage and lactation specialist coming into my hospital room telling me breastfeeding probably wasn't going to be in the cards for me. Due to the large amount of blood loss there was no way my body was going to be able to produce milk, I was devastated I had to already be away from my 5 day old now I was being told I couldn't breastfeed anymore. But I kept pumping and pumping and pumping. The first 24 hours I couldn't sit up let alone hold a bottle to pump so Jay or my mom had to hold them for my pumping sessions every 2-2.5 hours. When I got home there was no denying I had lost some of my supply so we began supplementing a few bottles a day but that was all. Everything was still going great and I was so proud of myself for not quiting. Well a turn of events, life being busy, I started somehow nursing less and less and I think we are at the to point that I think my "breastfeeding journey" has come to an end and I am totally heartbroken. Like I said I am not one that really enjoys it and Monroe could take it or leave it, but for me the biggest thing is I know I'll never get to do it again. I'm not sad to be giving up the pump sessions or when I'm out and about having to figure out a time to pump or nurse. It is easier just giving her a bottle at times. I am heartbroken because this BIG MILESTONE has come to and end for me as a Mom and Monroe as a baby. It is a reminder that this life goes by so quickly. Raising children is such a blessing but it seems like it is over in a blink of an eye.
With that being said every milestone with Monroe continues to break my heart a little bit. Time is such a thief. I was trying to explain this to Jay and I wanted a few pictures of me nursing Monroe this week just for me to remember. Not because I LOVED it but just like pregnancy I really wanted to document these once in a lifetime moments that go by all too quick. I am sure there will be a thousand more milestones that will make me cry and make me sad. I think that is just part of being a parent. You are so proud to watch you little ones grow up and accomplish bigger things but it kills you inside letting them go. (*Kind of like it is killing me thinking of sending Leo to Pre-School next year). Don't worry Jay, these milestones don't make me think "oh I need another one" but they do make me realize how much I should cherish everyday with my little people.
I'm sure you've all have seen this poem before but it really rang true to me this week so I thought like I'd share it with you.
THE LAST TIME
From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
But don’t forget …You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.
~ author unknown
THE LAST TIME
From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
But don’t forget …You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.
~ author unknown
Cue tears.... what a beautiful poem that really sums up how fast they grow up. This poem makes me feel ok to be a little bit sad that this week we are staying goodbye to breastfeeding.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you today. Being a Mom is such an emotional journey but the best journey we can every go on. I love my little family of 4 and I think these two kids will continue to break my heart in a good way over my life. Hope you all take a moment this weekend and enjoy your little ones before they aren't little anymore.
Cheers,
Jess
Cheers,
Jess
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